All originals that I’ve completed the last several weeks. I’m working on completing 100 pieces of original work, and am slowly getting there. Face and flower studies in various mediums, although these are all acrylic, either on stretched canvas or canvas board in varying sizes. Thrilled to be creating again!
Well, its been awhile and I think its time to update. Spring arrived late as ‘sprinter’ and we now seem to have fast forwarded to summer weather in May. I’m thrilled to be out in my yard planting flowers; making my place of grounding and solitude even more beautiful to look at! So much joy in prepping the earth every year for beautiful and good things to grow. This year I didn’t ‘kill’ the dandelions popping up in the grass; the bee population is waning and these can be some of the first flowers to pollinate in the spring; I need those bees to pollinate all the beautiful things I planted! Birds are chirping and I’ve seen the two Cardinal pairs back in the yard, hopefully nesting somewhere. The lake is breathtaking and one of the reasons we live where we do! Our kayaks have been out already and we are close to getting the dock and boats in for the complete summer experience.
I finally purchased my first ‘real’ TREK bicycle and have been enjoying perusing the neighborhoods via pedal power! It hasn’t been an easy thing to get active and keep active since my back situation several years ago, but I am making progress. Golf season also started, but I haven’t yet. Some may know that I purchased my first set of clubs last year when my 16 yr old started Chi Hi girl’s golf. She has been chomping at the bit to get to the course and encouraging me to do the same. I will admit I can swing a club but have little control yet as to where the ball ends up! I have a feeling the driving range and I will become good friends this year. Only one place to go from the bottom, lol.
I am still enjoying the break that I took from the salon environment. It has allowed me time to re purpose my dreams from my youth and I’ve been able to set some short and long term goals regarding the outcome I desperately desire. So far I’m staying close to ‘on task’ and periodically get distracted for small periods of time from my painting, studying, sketching and research. My planner is helping me, so long as I update it regularly and NOT forget to enter important appointments and dates in it. (sorry if you were on the back end of that, SQUIRREL!) Those who are close to me know what my current goals are and how close I am to achieving them. I’d like to thank them all for being my cheerleaders in this grand adventure of life. I would also like to thank my family for putting up with me being a total art geek about subject matter and my girls for allowing me to do their portraits. (A totally scary adventure, but I was thrilled with the outcome, Faith’s isn’t quite finished yet. Turns out not using my skills for years did NOT mean that I lost my ability to read and discern images! I just need to keep practicing the physical skill of drawing and painting. SHWEW!!!)
I am hoping Chippewa Falls has room for one more passionate and quirky artist. I’m looking forward to attending some of the local events to mingle with other artists and artisans as the confluence in EC gets closer to completion and summer festivals pop up everywhere. I came as close to submitting artwork in the Heyde Center for the Arts Spring Art Show as printing off the forms; I chickened out last minute and decided next year there is no question about doing it, it will be done. There will be a gallery show in my future, I just keep telling myself baby steps. Sounds like there will be a similar gallery venue as Artisan Forge of EC located right here in Chippewa Falls near the river. That is encouraging to all of us creative folk. I feel as if we are physically together, exposure is magnified!!
Determination is as beautiful as it is scary and has been a staple lately in my daily affirmations. I have my down times when I revert back to that old self who doubted her abilities; as a perfectionist and a recovering pessimist (we like to refer to it as realism) I struggle daily to move past walls that were devised to cope with negativity, disappointment, pain and hurt. We are human and struggles are the stuff victories are made of. SOOOooo, onward I go; marching into my middle years pursuing dreams and building a new and improved me. I’m not holding anything back. If you don’t try, you won’t know. No apologies for becoming who I was created to be, and I sure hope my girls learn to do the same.
Poursuivre la joie de la vie!!!
If eyes are said to be the ‘window to the soul,’ hands must be ‘footprint of our heart.’
Hands are really quite amazing. A baby’s hands are soft and innocent, a child’s hands are inquisitive and covered in experiments, a teenager’s hands are curious and skid-dish at the same time, a mother’s hands are strong and gentle, a father’s hands are hard- working and thoughtfully disciplined, a grandparent’s hands are experienced and wise.
My hands alone have done so much; doing hair and nails, drawing and painting, nurturing and comforting and teaching my babies, playing instruments and cooking. It would seem to me they are a direct extension of our heart and its’ intentions. Watching my husband fix cars, change diapers, comfort his girls and me with the same hands. Remembering my parents’ hands and all they did. It just simply amazes me that with all the humanness we possess and the day to day responsibilities that we do, there still seems to be so much energy and emotion recognized or transferred through our hands.
I know this was a brief message, but it was weighing on my heart to share this. What story do your hands tell of you? Are they being used to serve others or yourself? It’s quite a curious thought, isn’t it?
WHO AM I?
Seeing who we are really isn’t easy because the mirror often eludes us. My perception versus personal vision of myself were not the same and this inner conflict has paralyzed me for a minimum of two decades. All this time I thought the fear of failure and the acceptance among my peers held me hostage when it was merely my view of the former that kept me from progressing toward my goals and dreams. There has been a discord between what I want to be and why, and actually achieving my dreams. Only in reclaiming ownership of my talents and gifts will I be true to who I view myself as.
We are uniquely created by a divine source that yields us special talents and gifts, yet many of us during adulthood, including myself, struggle with conflict in knowing what we are to use them for and why. I believe they are overtly evident when we are little but as we age the visions we have of our self, our talents and our gifts changes because of the unintentional perception afforded to us by others; somehow, we regress our gifts instead of growing them. I feel it is exceptionally rare for those perceptions to not affect our personal vision. We hear criticism and doubt or skepticism and jealousy; diverting our map to greatness along the way. So many have grand dreams and hopes leading into adulthood, then BAM, it hits…reality. Why do some stop believing that their dreams cannot be their reality?
I dreamed of being an artist. Drawing, painting, writing, singing, creating in any way that I could and inspiring others to discover the beauty they have within. That is my gift, my talent. When I was in high school I was encouraged to choose a ‘career’ based on my interests, gifts and talents only to be told later that what I wanted to do wouldn’t make me money. It was a dead end career choice. But I was bold and pig-headed and started out with a passion. I excelled in college, for one semester only, because that is all the longer I could stay. Private college, although small and resourceful for my needs in the arts, was too costly to continue. It also occurred to me during that time that I would have to travel and move across the country to achieve any sort of accomplished wage if I continued this course of education elsewhere, in addition to leaving my family and my boyfriend (now husband!) to do something I was unsure of. I moved back home and chose the only other option I knew to be creative and that was becoming a cosmetologist.
I have no shortage of passion when it comes to being creative, it changes my demeanor and fills me with such joy sometimes I think I may explode! It literally needs to get out onto paper. There is an age old saying though, that resonates with me about being an artist, and it has stayed with me forever…”starving artists get paid after they are dead.” GULP! How in the world can I take the single most fulfilling gift that I have and make money before I’m dead!?!?
I found no way other than to watch, listen, educate and persevere as a nail tech and stylist. This became my source of income, limited by the amount of guests I served and the amount of hours I was willing to work during the early stages of my career, which could be endless at that time. This continued until my husband and I had children. Suddenly there was this new desire to be the very best parent I could be, so that is what I chose to do for several years. It was rewarding to be able to be a stay at home mom and really all I did was exchange my income for that opportunity. I used any extra time I could steal and spent it at our church volunteering in any way I could be creative.
The crazy turns of life really can divert us from seeing ourselves as we want to be instead we are who we think we have to be. I really desired to be creative but was still being met with the opposition of failing to make a living doing what I truly loved. To this day, I am dumbfounded that those of us with artistic gifts often make money for others with our talents and not ourselves because of lack of knowledge in understanding how to brand and market ourselves. Many examples exist including executive producers of music, theater and dance, visual art, photography or sculpture. The artist often receives a sub-par wage or volunteers time or efforts in some cases and it most certainly is not an esteemed profession like a doctor, or a lawyer or a professor.
To say I wasn’t blessed to have the opportunity to remain at home during the formidable years of my girls would be a lie. I was able to set up a painting/drawing studio in a former office space in our home and dabbled in my arts until life got busier with the kids’ activities and my husband deciding to leave his job and go into business for himself, manifesting his dream. He worked all hours of the day and night and to say he was exhausted would be an understatement. Money was tight and I went back to being a hairdresser, both for the money and for my personal satisfaction of perhaps, finally, ‘making it’ in this career. I chose a salon, that I thought would benefit me in growing a clientele because of all of the advertising and I was able to make a living (sort of) again. I found I had really missed this profession while away and found the passion to be creative and gain more education. The salon, as much as it advertised, however, was not the correct fit for me. I heard of a new salon being built by a former co-worker and was soon on my way to finally making this ‘career’ thing work. It was my dream salon. Beautiful inside and out, a day spa that catered to body, mind and spirit with a great culture and team of co-workers. I loved it, and was finally able to make a great wage being creative.
Life has a way of bringing us back to ourselves, though. In this newfound illusion of success and making money in a ‘career’ that was more esteemed than being an ‘artist’ I inadvertently extended myself too much. Nights, weekends, split-shifts, education, community events and soon I was missing out on my girl’s events and spent less and less time with family and friends. I experienced a life changing car accident, lost my mom to dementia and my aunt whom I cared for during that time. My kids were needing a parent to be around as my husband’s business grew larger and he needed me to assist in the business. Life is about the choices we make in the situations we are given. I grew cold, resentful and angry. I had pushed away most everyone that I cared deeply about, but most disturbing of all, I lost myself and the ‘why’ in regards to my talent.
So, at my husband’s persistent suggestion (nagging), I’ve been given a great opportunity that I sometimes still think I don’t deserve. He has grown a successful business that I participate in daily through bookkeeping, errand running etc. and his success has afforded me the ability to take a leave of absence from this career and rediscover myself. Giving hope to my dream that I thought was lost and it sure feels amazing to be creating art again. A gift and passion that is family friendly and comes from within. Ahead of me is the task of creating an income revolving around this passion, before I’m dead!! (starving artist reference)
Too often, especially for those of us who are creative, putting our gifts aside to assume reality seems more important. I needed to find those who were successful in what I wanted to do and simply ask questions and do some research. In my nine weeks off, I have made some definite discoveries within myself and the torch has been lit. I have a fire again, my personal vision is re-appearing. Now comes the difficult part, having the faith to sustain me through the obstacles of achieving my dreams. Resisting the urge for complacency and replacing it with the enthusiasm. Forgoing opposition to complete what has been inspired from the beginning within ME!
It is true that life “happens.” Somewhere along the way we need to make the choice of what that life will consist of.
Are you spiritual? What do you believe and why? These questions befuddled me for the duration of my youth, and here’s why. (I’m using religion in quotations to set it apart for specific reasons.)
My mother was raised by devout German Catholic parents with 11 siblings on a farm in a small rural town right here in Central Wisconsin. (I believe my grandmother was around the age of two when coming here from Germany.) My father, youngest of four, was raised in one of the bigger cities in Central Wisconsin and also attended a Catholic church. I watched my father’s quiet, yet steady faith while my mother struggled with practicing a religion versus having faith and a spiritual relationship with God. For me, memorization and repetition ingrained the practice of this ‘religion’ into my very being as I grew up. The Bible wasn’t opened at home, but preached by the Priest during the Homily at Mass, we didn’t get to question in order to understand it, we had to just believe it. We prayed, but it was more like reciting words.
Watching and participating in the ongoing Catholic traditions; I was captivated by the beauty and mysticism surrounding it. Attending Catholic grade school, I spent hours every week learning about Catholicism and attended Mass 6 days a week until I was in 7th grade (then it was only 4 days a week). Even though I was taught to obey and not question these beliefs, I did exactly that. I’m quite sure Father (our priest) winced as he saw my hand go up during ‘religion’ class when discussing such things as creation. Asking questions such as, “God created Adam and Eve and they had two sons, Cain and Abel; if Cain killed Abel, how did humankind begin without incestuous relations?” “Why did Moses live to be so old?” “Why can we eat apples if they are the forbidden fruit?” (We seemed to have spent a lot of time learning about the Old Testament.) And the list of questions goes on and on. “Why must I remain faithful to this ‘religion’ or suffer certain damnation from God?” “Who is deciding this, God himself?” “Why does a Priest need to intercede on my behalf an absolve my sins?” All the time thinking to myself, is this the type of God that I want to follow? I don’t believe I was the only Catholic teenager to have these questions. It was stranger still that fellow Protestant friends knew and understood the Bible and they seemed to question their faith far less.
In the Bible, Jesus tells us to live simply; why did Catholics seem to care so much about frivolous things such as large, ornate churches with statues and spires, gold chalices and vestments of every kind? It seemed to be a lot of pomp and circumstance parading itself to attract followers. Was I being presumptuous, perhaps? Simplicity seemed the farthest from what this ‘religion’ was demonstrating. I wanted so much to understand how this or any ‘religion’ was benefiting my own faith and spirituality.
Sometime in my late teens and early twenties I began to raise the question what is spirituality and how does it differ from ‘religion?’ I felt there was more than what I had been taught, and longed for more meaning in my faith. In growing and learning about the complexities of this world and choosing NOT to remain in a state of prolonged naivety in regards to my spirituality and faith, I searched for answers. I spoke with religious leaders, other faithful, read the Bible and other books about Catholicism, read about other ‘religions’, even books about spirituality. I would sit in the library on the floor, at times, perusing the books and devouring any information I could find. Throughout this time I came across many unique observations. Beliefs seemed to vary based on humankind’s historical interpretations of ‘religion’ itself. (Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism and the list goes on and on.) Many had similar fundamentals, but varying structures. Even paganism, astrology and mysticism seemed to breath the same truth. A common factor in these beliefs was undoubtedly the care given to heal, use and grow the spirit or soul of an individual. This was certainly an AH-HA moment! I understood that although we may achieve it in a myriad of ways, believers had a goal in mind and that resonated with me.
Now, in my fortieth decade, I recognize ‘religion’ as a term used to describe an organization in which believers follow a doctrine or specific regulations authorized by a group of people; perhaps even to benefit their own agendas. GASP! Now, you could assume that I am against ‘religion.’ This is untrue. I completely support a group of faithful, well-intended, spiritual believers gathering and participating in events for the greater good of humankind. Unfortunately, I have experienced far too many ‘religious believers’ speak, act or disregard the very ideals of the ‘religion’ they claim to be practicing. It would seem contradictory to assume a title of a religious sect without practicing its beliefs and likewise for a ‘religion’ to assume the role of attaining followers to benefit their agendas. For this very reason I chose to separate from organized religion and its practices, while maintaining my spirituality by practicing simplicity.
I prefer to ‘practice my faith’ by surrounding myself with those who have similar beliefs, morals and ethics as myself. I choose to teach my children about the Bible and expand their knowledge so they may grow their own faith. A personal relationship with God (or whatever you’d like to refer to that Higher Power as) is what I am referring to. Something specific, intentional and personal. A spirituality so wonderful, that when you establish it, you will feel incredibly blessed. It is not always black and white, and at times I’ve been drawn away from God through temptation, but I always return. In returning, I’ve developed a stronger relationship along the way. I believe this is how we grow our spirituality and faith; molding and shaping all aspects of our lives.
Seem too simple? Jesus taught two simple commandments; “Love God above all else and love your neighbor as yourself.” I really believe if more spiritually faithful people listened with their hearts and truly heard the Message and lived the commandments; we could drastically change the course of our world.
I am forever grateful for the journey I’ve been on. My upbringing in the Catholic church with all the memorization and obligatory repetitive behaviors taught me fortitude. I learned tenacity from watching my father, knowing that this faith can get me through some pretty tumultuous ordeals, and that it has. Experiencing so many family and friends leaving this world has given me hope that there is more than we know waiting on the other side of our human realm. Joining with other believers in prayer taught me that many hearts together can heal. Listening to that inner voice that speaks can be difficult in this chaotic world and equally as difficult is demonstrating spirituality and faith by how we choose to live.
Take time to be still, open your heart and listen to this Higher Power, experience the love and peace that comes with It. Imagine what It can do for us, our loved ones, our community and ultimately our world. Remarkable idea.
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